One of the first words that toddlers learn is “No,” which I used to think this was a bad thing. After all, I’m more of a “yes” person. I want to be helpful. I want to be of service. I don’t want to let people down. I learned this in my family of origin. In some ways, it has served me. I’ve seen at least one letter of recommendation describe me as a “team player” and someone who is “consistently helpful.”
Those are great attributes for getting a job. But they are not always helpful when it comes to dealing with conflict, including family conflict. “Mom, can I have potato chips?” (It was 9:30 a.m.) “Mom, can you stop working and sew this stuffed dog up right now?” “Mom, can we watch one more episode?” (This was repeated three times.) I’ve said “yes” to all these things (this week, actually!) and more. While the questions were not necessarily bad, what I actually meant to say was “no,” or at least, “not right now.” I meant to set a boundary, but honestly, sometimes it was easier to avoid a fight and just go along.
I’m realizing that I often say “yes” because I am afraid of conflict—something that author and sociologist Martha Beck has written about in a blog. Conflict is inevitable because people are different, Beck writes, adding that well-managed conflict can lead to intimacy. (Tell me more!)
Beck explains: “Conflict is the mechanism by which we set boundaries around these differences, so that each party feels safe with the other…Until we know we can make and hold such boundaries, we never become comfortable enough to relax, be our true selves, open our hearts.”
How revealing and appealing! When I set a boundary, I am being my true self, a beloved one, created by God. I can state what I’m willing to do, what’s not okay and what I need. From that space, I may be able to listen more deeply to others who are revealing their true needs and desires by setting their own boundaries.
Setting boundaries is helpful when family conflicts occur—ranging from our typical household conflicts to conflicts around political conversations with extended family members. It’s also helpful for setting boundaries at work or with friends. One recent example from a friend’s life: When her in-laws came for dinner and wanted to discuss politics, she gently set boundaries on what topics were appropriate in front of her young children. She said that her honesty led to a conversation about values and a deeper connection all around.
Scripture has a lot to say about both boundaries and conflict. The Ten Commandments are essentially boundaries meant to help people live harmoniously with God and with others. Both the Old and New Testaments are full of examples of conflict between and within families, faith communities and nations.
Paul’s letter to the Galatians addresses a church in conflict. While trying to navigate a rapidly changing landscape with differing factions., the Galatians were struggling with their mission and identity. Unidentified Jewish-Christian leaders arose in the church that would force members into practices like circumcision and dietary laws (their boundaries). Paul declared that non-Jews could become Christians without these practices (God’s new boundary).
How did Paul view this boundary conflict? He saw it through the lens of love. “For you were called to freedom, brothers and sisters; only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for self-indulgence, but through love become slaves to one another,” Paul wrote. “For the whole law is summed up in a single commandment: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Galatians 5:13-14).
You and your neighbor are equally worthy of love. You love yourself by keeping healthy boundaries. You love others (including during conflict) by listening (to understand, not to argue) to others’ ideas. Some may find the harder focus to be love of self; for others, it may be love for the neighbor.
Families and faith communities often do a great job of teaching children how to love the neighbor. We collect cans for the food pantry, sing carols for people who are home-bound and send money for disaster relief. But we can also be attentive to teaching children how to love themselves and set healthy boundaries.
In a family, that can look like conversations that emphasize that your body is your body. But it also means talking about feelings, speaking up when something is hurtful or uncomfortable, and being able to say and accept that you or someone else needs a break.
Those same things apply in congregations. Time boundaries are also pertinent. A pastor friend tells her congregation that she will accept their prayerful “yes” or “no” when she asks them to volunteer. And congregations can create a culture of healthy boundaries by encouraging honest communication and self-care.
In Atlas of the Heart (Random House 2021), author Brené Brown defines a boundary as “what’s okay and what’s not okay.” Maybe the toddlers in our lives are in touch with this, when they give us a big “no.” Sometimes getting behind the “no” statements from our kids and others can help us learn a lot about what’s really going on. We can get the deeper connection that we crave—all thanks to a little “no.”
Lisa A. Smith, a writer and ELCA pastor, lives in Anchorage, Alaska, with her spouse and three children. Her blog “Bedtime Theology” is at pastorlisawrites.com.
This article appears in the June/July/August 2025 issue of Gather. To read more like it, subscribe to Gather.