In 1993, my husband and I moved from Southern California where I’d grown up to Berkeley, where I would begin graduate school. I was excited to be on this new adventure with the man who had been my high school sweetheart. We were off on our own, and anything was possible!
But soon I experienced unforeseen difficulties. I began questioning aspects of my childhood, and even aspects of my parents. Away from our support systems, my husband and I began to rely almost entirely on each other for support. I started to notice how different my husband and I were. He and I had different tendencies, fears and confidence. I wondered: Who is this person I married?
It was the perfect time for the Enneagram to enter my life.
The journey begins
In Berkeley, our new neighbors, who became our lifelong friends, introduced us to another friend, Father Richard Rohr. Rohr is a popular author and one of the most respected teachers of the Enneagram in the U.S. That year, my husband and I spent many weekends driving around California’s wine country, listening to Rohr’s tapes and learning about one of the most helpful tools we would ever know.
I started to understand who I was, in a deeper way. I began to better understand my husband, his inner workings, why I really loved him, and how we saw things differently. My understanding of the inner workings of my mother, my father and my siblings also grew. By shining a bright light into our souls, the Enneagram helped me to more deeply understand the people in my life.
Learning the Enneagram helped me learn how to speak to my family members on a deeper level. This transformed some of my relationships, most notably with my father. Our understanding of each other had been strained. However, once I understood what he needed, I could easily offer him support in a way he could hear it. It’s no exaggeration to say that the Enneagram gave me my father back. Our relationship was very good from then until the end of his life in 2008. I cannot express my gratitude enough for this priceless gift.
As time passed, I continued to learn all that I could. I attended a class by Dr. Helen Palmer, another great Enneagram teacher. Meeting as a group in our professor’s home, the other students and I explored the Enneagram from every possible angle. I read every book I could get my hands on. I listened to every tape I could find. My excitement only grew.
Fast forward to today: I have now been teaching the Enneagram for nearly 30 years. Over the decades, the Enneagram has grown more mainstream. Countless clergy, therapists and spiritual directors use it for pastoral counseling, therapy and spiritual direction. Business schools teach it as a leadership principle and a relational tool. It is advertised in churches, online classes and even YouTube. It’s not the fringy, esoteric theory that it once was.
Enneagram roots
The Enneagram’s historical roots are shrouded in mystery. We do know that this tool is hundreds, if not thousands, of years old. The Enneagram may go back to the ancient Greeks, Sufism, esoteric Judaism or Christian mysticism.
It was reintroduced in the 20th century by an Armenian philosopher, George Gurdjieff. It traveled around South America through the work of Bolivian philosopher Oscar Ichazo and Chilean psychiatrist Claudio Naranjo. Throughout its history, the Enneagram has been taught through oral tradition (storytelling). This is still the best way to learn.
The nine types
The Enneagram describes nine basic types of people who hold (subconsciously) to different motivations. While people may exhibit similar behavior, they may act out of different types of motivations. For instance, successful people with similar leadership skills could be motivated by power, status, service, etc.
The nine types fall into three basic categories:
Those who are heart-centered: Think of nurses, preschool teachers, networkers, artists and poets of the world. In their different ways, these people lead their lives with their hearts. Some seek to serve others, some seek to succeed and build successful businesses, and some seek to stand out as special and unique.
Those who are head-centered: Think of scientists, computer programmers, researchers, academics, creative thinkers and planners. Some of these head-centered people pull away from others to analyze the world. Some are motivated by safety and security. Others regularly plan their next joyful adventure.
Those who are body- or gut-centered: Think of activists, workers, laborers, leaders and reformers. Some of these people notice ways to change or reform systems. Others most desire peace with people and their surroundings. Still others are natural leaders and bosses.
While all of us can be any of these, one of these nine ways of being will be most natural to us. As the Body of Christ, we are each given different strengths and abilities. The world needs all of us and all nine ways of being. We are all lovable and valuable, in our own ways.
However, the Enneagram teaches that we can overdo that one natural strength. Our strength is also our weakness at times, capable of causing problems for ourselves and others. The Enneagram becomes a means of transformation—not by trying to be more of something (addition), but by lessening our hold on that one strength/ weakness that also trips us up (subtraction). As we do this work, we first develop compassion for ourselves. Then, eventually, we recognize that other types also hold wisdom and we don’t have to live out of one default type or personality. The choices are more numerous, and we can live as freer people.
The greatest commandment
In Matthew’s gospel, a lawyer speaks to Jesus, asking him, “Which commandment in the law is the greatest?” Jesus responds, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind… and love your neighbor as you love yourself.” (Matthew 22:35-39)
How well do we love our neighbors? How well do we love ourselves? How can we do either, if we don’t really know who our neighbors are and what makes them tick? How can we do either, if we can’t understand the depth of who we are, or if we don’t forgive ourselves or if we don’t celebrate our strengths? To love someone, you have to really know them.
My parents have left this earth. But my relationship with them was so much better after I learned the Enneagram. My relationship with my husband of 32 years is stable and joyful, because of the work we have done with the Enneagram. My children, now in their 20s, have been raised knowing the Enneagram. My relationship with them is affirming and supportive, as they are now self-aware young adults.
The Enneagram is one of many lenses that can help us understand ourselves and our relationships. I will be forever grateful for what this system has given me, in my life.
I enjoy teaching the Enneagram every chance I get, through retreats, small groups, large classes, online and in person events. I encourage everyone to learn the Enneagram and study it for a lifetime, reaping its amazing rewards.
The Rev. Stephanie Lape is a pastor in the ELCA Pacifica Synod as well as a professor, author, public speaker and retreat leader. Learn more at stephanielape.com.
This article appears in the June/July/August 2025 issue of Gather. To read more like it, subscribe to Gather.